Crossroads

I am sitting at work on a Saturday thinking about what to do next in my “relationship.” The internet is down here and I can’t get the work done I want to, so, why not write a blog to post later I say.

Last night was a rough night. The SSM and I were up until 3am chatting about the status of our relationship, but mostly about how he is thinking about his other relationship and that his feelings for what’s her name are getting more serious. There were a lot of things said, nothing heated or bad. He doesn’t seem to know how he feels about either of us and needs to sort that out, with us. I don’t think I want to stick around to find out how he feels.

I’ve been down this “feelings” road with the SSM it never turns out in my favour. He is a man looking to find himself and I know who I am and what I want these days. I took a big risk in doing this long distance poly thing. I had hoped that he would date and realize what I good thing we have. Turns out, there are other, more local people to have good things with. He hasn’t said he wants to end our relationship. He wants to work it out and figure out how he feels and potentially keep things at status quo. I want to run for the hills, or run up the white flag and admit defeat. So far I am not doing anything.

It is kind of ironic, I was thinking not three days ago about writing a post about how all of my relationships seem to end before the two year mark. I can’t seem to make that leap to longer commitment with someone. I had hoped this time would be a change, we will see. I shouldn’t be pessimistic but I don’t think the chances are very good. The crux of the matter is, I refuse to become the secondary partner, it is moving backwards. If he has feelings and she is there for the two of them to explore together it leaves little opportunity for me to maintain my emotional relationship with him.

We are going to talk tomorrow, as I don’t have to work (much), and hopefully will have had more sleep so I don’t make any rash decisions or burst into tears.

I will try to keep you posted as the events unfold.

The Single Girl