Seriously?

When we broke up I told the SSM I didn’t want to speak to him again, ever. I think my exact words were “when I hang up this phone, it is over, no more chatting, emails or phone calls … I will be deleting you from everything” and then I blocked him on facebook, gmail chat and messenger and deleted his phone number. Pretty clear, no? Well apparently this week he wanted to try to find a way around the system.

Yesterday he sent an instant message to roomie on facebook saying “Hug TSG for me, but don’t tell her it is from me.” Her response was to tell him, dude, I am not going to get in the middle of this, so please don’t ask. Good on Roomie for not getting in the middle, but seriously, WTF was he thinking?

I have never been interested in having a blog that trashes the men I dated before, but seriously that is just a little to immature and passive aggressive not to comment on.

Seriously, grow up.

The Single Girl

Crossroads

I am sitting at work on a Saturday thinking about what to do next in my “relationship.” The internet is down here and I can’t get the work done I want to, so, why not write a blog to post later I say.

Last night was a rough night. The SSM and I were up until 3am chatting about the status of our relationship, but mostly about how he is thinking about his other relationship and that his feelings for what’s her name are getting more serious. There were a lot of things said, nothing heated or bad. He doesn’t seem to know how he feels about either of us and needs to sort that out, with us. I don’t think I want to stick around to find out how he feels.

I’ve been down this “feelings” road with the SSM it never turns out in my favour. He is a man looking to find himself and I know who I am and what I want these days. I took a big risk in doing this long distance poly thing. I had hoped that he would date and realize what I good thing we have. Turns out, there are other, more local people to have good things with. He hasn’t said he wants to end our relationship. He wants to work it out and figure out how he feels and potentially keep things at status quo. I want to run for the hills, or run up the white flag and admit defeat. So far I am not doing anything.

It is kind of ironic, I was thinking not three days ago about writing a post about how all of my relationships seem to end before the two year mark. I can’t seem to make that leap to longer commitment with someone. I had hoped this time would be a change, we will see. I shouldn’t be pessimistic but I don’t think the chances are very good. The crux of the matter is, I refuse to become the secondary partner, it is moving backwards. If he has feelings and she is there for the two of them to explore together it leaves little opportunity for me to maintain my emotional relationship with him.

We are going to talk tomorrow, as I don’t have to work (much), and hopefully will have had more sleep so I don’t make any rash decisions or burst into tears.

I will try to keep you posted as the events unfold.

The Single Girl

Freaking out … just a little bit

This weekend the SSM coming with me to my Nephew’s birthday. He will be meeting my sister in law, my aunt, my uncle, my grandmother (he has already met my brother and nephew) but most significant … he is going to meet the lady.

Wow, this will mean that the lady will have met all five of my boyfriends.

Eeek!

Man, I hope he is ready.

TSG

He’s not my Boyfriend, He’s … oh nevermind

Last week I was out of town at a conference and the SSM flew in to join me at my nice hotel for a few days. He would sleep in, go out for brunch with friends while I was hard at work, then show up for the social time and drinking. Someday I have to get me a gig like that!

Anyway, on the second night we were with a very large crowd for some much needed dinner after a long long happy hour. The table had some people I know well, some people I know some and others who barely know my name. Sitting at the far end of the table was a woman I kind of know through work and she mouthed to me is that your boy. I shook my head yes and didn’t think anything of it. A while later she yelled something across the table that ended with “TSG’s boyfriend over there.” I cringed a little but did my best to ignore the comment. The second time this same woman referred to the SSM as my boyfriend I kindly replied, “the dear man has a name of his own, sorry not to have introduced you this is SSM.” She laughed it of and said yeah but it is more fun to just call him your boyfriend.

After the third time and a knowing glance across the table at BFF I leaned over to the SSM and said, “I hope you are okay with being called my boyfriend, it is just so much easier then trying to explain this whole …” And I kind of trailed off from there. “Oh for sure, it is way easier” he responded in his ever so relaxed way. “Don’t worry about it, I’m not.” And we went about enjoying the rest of our dinner.

Had it been a different group of people – i.e. non work folks – I might have tried to explain it better. Instead, I just left BFF to field any questions that came up after we left. I am sure she gave an appropriate and modest response to all who asked. Either that or she just muttered something about a long distance fuck buddy and left it at that.

Either way, thanks for doing my dirty work BFF.

TSG

Open Your Door

I am currently in the centre of the universe doing some training for work. When I originally found out about the training the SSM had said he would come and stay with me at the hotel for a night or two. Unfortunately he ended up having a meeting on Wednesday and I was only in the hotel from Tuesday to Thursday so it wasn’t going to work out as we had hoped. Late on Monday however he sent me a message asking me what I was doing on Wednesday night. As luck would have it I had not made any plans to see friends for Wednesday night. When I inquired further to find out if he was thinking of coming, he said maybe but that he wasn’t sure if it would work out, but yes he was thinking about it.

Armed with that knowledge I didn’t get my hopes up too much on Wednesday but just in case he did decide to come I left a room key for him at the front desk, emailed him the address of the hotel and room number before I went off to work. At the end of my work, having received no text or phone call from the SSM I went for a quick beer with BFF before returning to the hotel. I knew it was too early for him to have arrived at the hotel by the time I got home, but if he was coming to town his plane would have landed. I checked instant messenger and he was online, but his status was away. All I wanted to do was text him, and at the same time I was enjoying the anticipation of not knowing. To pass the time I starting chatting with GB asking if I should text him or not and he agreed the anticipation was fun and besides it wasn’t even 7pm yet, give it a little time and if I don’t hear anything soon then send a text. Fair enough I thought and then I notice the Fireboy is online. I decided getting info out of Fireboy was a completely sneaky and acceptable way to find out if the SSM is in town or coming to town and in no way diminished my excitement about the possible visit.

Fireboy didn’t seem to know if the SSM had gotten on a plane but he checked what time the last possible plane arrive that night and we made a list of reasons he would come and reasons he wouldn’t and then he said “Well, either way why don’t I come over and hang out. I have a few things to do here, maybe you should text him. If he is coming over you can send me a note and let me know if you two need some alone time first.” Seemed like reasonable logic to me so I sent a text … The Suspense is killing me are you in your city or here in the centre of the universe? … And then I waited and waited for what seemed like an eternity. In reality it was only six minutes before I got a response. My phone buzzed to let me know there was a message. I looked at the phone opened it took a deep breath and read:

Open your door

So I went to the hotel door and there he was.

There is more, but really I think that is all I need to say.

TSG

Vacation

Vacationing is great ... spending time with the SSM is so great is borders on ridiculous - actually it doesn't border on ridiculous, it is ridiculous. We tell each other everyday that we are ridiculous. The weather is fantastic here and I haven't had internet for 4 days which might be the best part of the vacation - ahem, well the second best ;-).

Hope you are all well in your various parts of the world.

More next week about my time with the SSM including our get away to a chalet in the mountains. A CHALET!

xo
TSG

Leaving on a Jet Plane …

Don’t know when I’ll be back again … Ah babe, I hate to go …

Well, okay I do know when I will be back home but it is hard to say when I will be back here as I will be unable to blog while staying with the SSM. It sort of defeats the concept of the whole anonymous blogging thing, you know?

If I find myself alone and with some stories to tell, I will update you. If no time or space permits you won’t be seeing this single girl for about a week.

Have fun while I am gone.

TSG

Busy Busy

I am feeling kinda guilty because I haven’t updated in a week or so, but my life is revolving around work right now so I don’t have much to say here. This weekend Fireboy is coming to town for two days, which I am pretty excited about. I haven’t seen him in three months and I could use some zen time with him.

In one week (or seven more sleeps) I am going to fly across the country and see my brother and his family for two days and then, I am going to see the SSM and stay with him for six days. A real vacation with my favourite guy, I am pretty excited and a little nervous. I can’t think of the last time I spent a week straight with a boyfriend or lover, I am not entirely sure it has ever happened before. Anyway, just one more week of work and I am taking a much needed break.

Woo Hoo!

Not much more to tell today, and besides I need to get into work now. Hopefully something interesting for the blog will come out of Fireboy’s visit.

Happy Friday!

TSG

Wow

Last night the SSM and I talked online and I told him how disappointed I was and that I had been really counting on this visit for my mental health. So he rearranged some things and is here. He actually flew across the country to spend 24 hours with me even though it might mean hours and hours on Thursday trying to get home.

Have to say I am feeling pretty special right now.

Yeah me!

TSG

Disappointed

I had this great blog post to write about my Friday night and the indecent proposal I turned down, but now all I can focus on is that fact that the SSM just called and had to cancel his trip because of work complications again.

I am really tired, and really frustrated and really sad.

I hate this.

TSG

flying bullets

• Fireboy made me an offer, if things go south with his best friend (the SSM) he would like to start a poly long distance relationship. Of course you would, I thought and left the offer on the table for another day. Turns out I am afraid of commitment, even a long distance poly commitment.
  
• I told the SSM about my afternoon with Awesome - well I said I made out with a friend, but if he can't figure out who that would be, he needs his head examined. His response, lucky girl, and then he told me that he was really happy we could be honest with each other. Score one for Polyamory. Sweet!
  
• Awesome and I have managed to have a normal week. Score one for making out without consequences. Super Sweet!
• I Miss GB! Please come home, I need a pint.
  
• Busy week at work. Huge gala event last night and I rocked it with a little black dress and stunning smoozing skills.
  
• I got a rose, a virtual rose and a bottle of wine for VD day. Not bad for a girl who doesn't really celebrate the "holiday."
  
• If OQB had a blog, I would tell you to all go there and wish him a Happy Birthday, but he doesn't, so if you want to leave your salutations here, feel free. I think he is turning 25 for the 7th time ;)
  

Happy Friday everyone!

Taking a Break

After what can only be called two weeks of lavish attention from both the SSM and Fireboy I have decided to cut them both off for about a week. I need a little break from the IMing, calls, texts, chats and such so I can step back and get a little perspective on everything. I told the SSM last night as we were chatting and he was fine with the idea and grateful that I actually said I needed a break instead of just hiding from him online for a week. I composed an email to Fireboy telling him I need a rest as well. I was kinda hoping to chat about it with talk to him, which is ironic … hi, yeah, I wanted to talk to you to tell you not to talk to me … but the email was fine and he too was very understanding.

I think this will be good for all of us. A break from everything to just think about each other (or not) and figure some things out. GB asked me how I was going to fill my days and I told him he was going to have to fill in the chatting gaps. He didn’t necessarily think that was the answer. I think I will be fine, I have a busy week including a business trip on the west coast so that will help keep me occupied.

I wonder if I will make it through the whole week? Maybe I will just blog more … does that sound good?

xo
The Single Girl

The return of the Vodka Source, the New Man and the Missing Piece of the Puzzle

Tonight I have a “date” with the Vodka Source. My evenings out with him have always proven to be alcohol fueled and full of fun. Tonight we are going to behave by seeing a play and not meeting for cocktails before. I have the gym in the morning so I am hoping that will be inspiration enough to stop me from having more than two drinks after the show. Sadly, I doubt it as we have been trying to get together for a date for over a month now. I think we will end up drinking and talking until quite late as we often do.

The new man is a man I have sort of known for a year or so through work circles but up until recently have never really talked to. A few weeks ago we were out with a large group and ended up sitting and drinking at the bar together while to a live band. We started talking about music and he ended up offering me his old ipod (because I lost mine over Christmas) and to make me a playlist of some of his favourite tunes. I still don’t have the ipod, or the playlist, but I think once I finally get them I will offer to take him for a beer to say thanks and to continue the conversation.

The Missing piece of the puzzle, that is a little more complicated than the other two. Back in the summer Mr. Awesome introduced me to one of his ex girlfriends and we ended up hitting it off and have sense become very good friends. We have lunches, dinners, drinks and sleepovers. We seem to always have things to say to one another and often end up talking for hours when we are only suppose to have one drink.

On New Year’s Eve she and I ended up snuggled up in front of the fireplace facing one another, holding hands and talking. Nothing happened but she and I are both very aware that there is a degree of tension between us. GB likes to call her my “girlfriend” and both of our mothers have pointed out that we have become fast fast friends. I don’t think anything would ultimately happen between us as neither one of us are really interested in girls, she is back together with her boyfriend and me, I have a small harem of men and boys on my mind, but it is a new thing for me, tension with a female friend.

I just thought you all should know that the SSM and Fireboy don’t take up all the room in my brain, there are a few other complications orbiting around right now as well.

Here’s hoping your mind is a bit less full my faithful readers.

xo

The Single Girl

If I could commit to TSG by Fireboy and the SSM

Where do I start … the week was great. The boys and I went to theatre and music shows, stayed up until the wee hours talking about our life plans, made meals, Went for drinks and pizza, I went to work during the day and they played at home … all in all we had a wonderful time together and the roomies had fun with us too.

On their last day at the house the boys decided it would be nice to do the dishes for me and the roomies as a thank you for the hospitality. Not long into their good deed they discovered the drain was broken and went from dishwashers to amateur plumbers. While having adventures in plumbing each boy talked about what their life could be like if they could commit to me. They admitted to having pangs of jealousy about my relationship to the other and why right now a relationship won’t work. Then they each talked to me.

Fireboy told me that currently things are too complicated but, that in a different time and place he would like to pursue a relationship with me. He likes me and my style and the focus I have for my career and friends. After two years of being lovers and now friends, he has a crush on me.

The SSM told me he doesn’t know what to do with me. At times he feels guilty for keeping me around. He feels selfish for keeping me around because I make him feel good and that right now he can’t commit to the potential of what this could be.

I told Fireboy that I was extremely flattered and that in a different time and place I would like to see where this relationship could go as well, but for now, being friends has to be the focus. To the SSM I said, whether he believes he can or not, he is already in a relationship with me. I then told him that I like things as they are between us and for now a casual long distance relationship is all I can handle.

What does this all mean? I have no idea, but it is pretty flattering, confusing and complicated. I think I need a few days to sort through all the words, thoughts and emotions expressed over the past week.

The Single Girl

Ps. For you voyeuristic readers the SSM slept with me and Fireboy was on the couch. Oh and the drain is still clogged.

Busy with Complication on Top

Okay, so I didn’t have time last week to blog because work was too busy, this week, work is still busy but I also have the added complication of Fireboy and the SSM staying with me for the next few days.

Sometimes I don’t know how I do it.

More to come if I can find 10 minutes when they aren’t near me so I can keep you all up to date.

SSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They don’t know I have a blog.

;-)

TSG

Ain't this life so sweet

As I finished washing the dishes at the OR’s place as this song came on;



then the doorbell rang. It was the SSM. He greeted me with a kiss and a huge hug.

I can tell you how we spent our day, lounging around listening to music, going for lunch, snuggling and having a pint together at the airport before saying goodbye with a spin and a kiss at airport security. I can say without question that we had an amazing day and that we will have a few more when he comes here in a few weeks. What I can’t tell you what is going on as I don’t really know myself, but something seems to have changed between us. This new found – whatever – may not last but I am going to enjoy for as long as a can.

The Single Girl

Tourist Season

I am about to spend the day with the SSM in his new city. I wasn’t going to tell him that I was coming, but Fireboy said that I should, and made me feel like I was being a bit of a jerk for not tell him, so I did. He is going to show me around for the day and he is getting me a free ride to the airport, so it can’t be all bad.

This might be a bad idea, I will let you all know soon.

Happy belated Christmas for those that celebrate it and a happy early New Year.

TSG

BAD

I am getting a new computer at work so I have to go through the one I have now and clean up all my files i.e. my personal files on the work computer. In the process I have come across a few IM conversations with my friend J about the SSM over the course of the summer. It is both fascinating and heart breaking to read.

As early as July I knew I was falling for this guy, and as early as July I knew it wasn’t going to work out. So did J, and very clearly told me in every conversation that I needed to tell him how I felt and walk away before I got too hurt. Well, we know that I didn’t talk to him until the very end of the summer. And even then I just told him how I felt I didn’t really walk away. I think I am almost ready to walk away – but more on that another day.

Reading the IM chats makes me wish I did a better job of logging our summer adventures here on the blog. Then again it would just be one more thing read and obsess over. More importantly OQB would never rise the to ranks of most blogged about if I did that ;)

I think I need to have lunch with Awesome. No matter what is going on in my life, his life is invariably messier than mine. It is good for a little perspective and it is almost always funny – not funny ha ha, but funny living nightmare.

The Single Girl

The Unholy Pentagon

It has come to my attention that I currently have five boyfriends – GB,OQB, Fireboy, Awesome, and the SSM. Each one of them hold a special place in my heart and my life. This might be oversimplified, but here is what each one of them bring to my life currently.

GB is my primary boyfriend (so to speak). He is my roommate and friend and we share everything from our daily minutia to our long term life plans.

OQB is my fabulous boyfriend. He and I share a party lifestyle and spend time dancing, talking about relationships and generally condemning the world to be less fabulous than we are.

Frieboy is my spiritual boyfriend. He and I spend our time together talking about how we feel and what we are trying to do with our lives and how, we can improve ourselves and our relationships.

Awesome is my bad boy boyfriend. Awesome and I spend our time talking about conspiracy theories, how the world sucks and everyone is out to get him and that there is no point in trying because it is all going to end in shit anyway.

The SSM is my ex boyfriend. He is the man who is teaching me what I want and deserve from a romantic partner.

Together they create my unholy pentagon.

Having realized this I think it is time to lose one or two of the boyfriends before a man in a red suit shows up at my door offering me a plumb job in hell.

TSG

Vaguely Messy

While in the centre of the universe I saw the SSM – which I briefly mentioned before – what I didn’t mention is that we had a bit of a tryst. It wasn’t my intention, but on some level I knew something would happen when I saw him. I was hoping it would be something that would help me close the door on this chapter of my life but it appears that I have successfully opened a door and maybe a few windows.

The only good thing is that he and I are talking about what happened (is happening) and trying to be really honest with each other. We have talked about how things ended and the fact that each of us promised ourselves that we would not get tangled up with the other one when we saw each other (opps!). He knows that I am a bit of an emotional mess and I know that he needs freedom to date and live his new life on the other side of the country. And yet, with all that info we still want to talk and spend at least virtual time together.

We have decided for now that we are going to leave things vaguely messy and do our best to keep the shit storms to a minimum and the honesty to a maximum.

Oh man, if I didn’t know me and I was reading this, this would be the point when I would laugh and scream at the screen “Who are you kidding, there is nothing vague about it. This has messy written all over it.” But sadly I do know me and messy won’t stop me from wading in. At least I’m not boring …

The Single Girl