Swimming in My Own Thoughts

There is a lot going on up in my head this week. The visit with the SSM the day I arrived back home has left me with a lot of questions about what I want from this “relationship.”

I have been saying for a long time that I want to try Polyamoury but I haven’t found anyone that I think has the capability to try it until I started hanging out with SSM. Now I am grappling with whether or not I can handle being intimate (and no I am not just talking about sex) with more than one person and those people intimate with other people.

In the abstract I always thought I could do it as I have spent the last few years engaging in nothing but casual relationships and it has never bothered me that they were with other people, because I was dating other people or wasn’t ready to give up any of my casual relationships for any one man that I have met. On Tuesday I was hit square in the face with my own fears, jealousy, inadequacies and wariness about relationships.

The entire plane ride home I was extremely excited, because this boy, a boy that I have come to like, was picking me up at the airport. He changed his flight so he didn’t have to wait another week to see me! Who wouldn’t be a bit giddy. I arrived at the airport and there he was waiting for me by the baggage carousel. I walked slowly up to him and we kissed in the middle of the airport – something I don’t usually do. “I thought you would run and jump into my arms” he said with a grin as he held me. I pulled back a little looked him in the eye, smirked and said “You have met me right? That really isn’t my thing. Besides there is a heavy and expensive laptop in here, and I have been traveling all day. It was never going to happen.” And I kissed him again.

We waited for my luggage for a while snuggling and chatting about this and that. I was pestering him about his status on Messenger as it had read wow, that was scary for a few days and I wanted to know what that meant. Each time I asked him what it meant he wouldn’t tell me, which only peaked my curiousity. Once it was clear my luggage wasn’t going to arrive that day we came back to my home so I could at least drop off my carry on. We were snuggling and kissing in my living room and he looked at me a little nervously and said “ You want to know what was scary? I wanted to tell you that I slept with someone else while you were gone and that scared me.” He said. “Oh” I said. “I am glad you didn’t tell me over Messenger when I first asked. But thank you for your honesty. I do appreciate it” I said and continued kissing him as though he had just told me it was going to rain tonight. In the moment it was the right thing for me to say. He isn’t my boyfriend, we have no exclusive right to one another, and I would rather know the truth.

We went for dinner, then to his place so he could finish packing. It was sometime over dinner that the reality of the sentence “I slept with someone else” really started to hit home. Part of me really wanted to talk about it, find out why he was scared, what this meant, was he going to sleep with her again, does he want a relationship, how does he feel about me, what does he want to do going forward. Instead, I told him – in the spirit of honesty - that I have two dates this week, which I do, well only one is confirmed but the intent is there. It was really stupid – and more in the spirit of jealousy then of honesty - of me to do because before he told me his news I was going to cancel the dates because … I like the SSM and right now I don’t want to date anyone else. I couldn’t say that at the time because it has taken three days to unearth that truth from deep down inside.

Wow … there it is. I like him and want to be with him.

Now what?

Well I think when he comes back I have to tell him I like him. Put it out there – which I have avoided doing with countless men for many years – and let the chips fall where they may. This doesn’t mean I don’t believe in Poly or am against trying it. It means I am trying to break my patterns; leaving people before they leave me; pretending I want really casual when I don’t; being really honest about how I feel; listening to and accepting his feelings, wants and needs. This is where the inadequacy comes in. I have never been good at talking about my feelings in person with boys so this might be a long, tough slog with some missteps along the way. The toughest part will be starting the conversation with him when he is back. Although just writing all this down is a great start. Thanks for being a great sounding board internet.

Maybe I should just send him a link to this entry … then again, maybe not.

The Single Girl