Here I go again on my own

It's over.

I could go into the painful details, but right now they are too painful.

The single girl is Single again.

opps

Restarting a blog and then never posting is really lame and I apologize. I was on the road for much of this week and still have no news on the SSM front, so I kinda forgot about posting. Have no fear! I am home all week this week and will dedicate some time to post at least twice in the next seven days.

How's that for a deal?

TSG

Crossroads

I am sitting at work on a Saturday thinking about what to do next in my “relationship.” The internet is down here and I can’t get the work done I want to, so, why not write a blog to post later I say.

Last night was a rough night. The SSM and I were up until 3am chatting about the status of our relationship, but mostly about how he is thinking about his other relationship and that his feelings for what’s her name are getting more serious. There were a lot of things said, nothing heated or bad. He doesn’t seem to know how he feels about either of us and needs to sort that out, with us. I don’t think I want to stick around to find out how he feels.

I’ve been down this “feelings” road with the SSM it never turns out in my favour. He is a man looking to find himself and I know who I am and what I want these days. I took a big risk in doing this long distance poly thing. I had hoped that he would date and realize what I good thing we have. Turns out, there are other, more local people to have good things with. He hasn’t said he wants to end our relationship. He wants to work it out and figure out how he feels and potentially keep things at status quo. I want to run for the hills, or run up the white flag and admit defeat. So far I am not doing anything.

It is kind of ironic, I was thinking not three days ago about writing a post about how all of my relationships seem to end before the two year mark. I can’t seem to make that leap to longer commitment with someone. I had hoped this time would be a change, we will see. I shouldn’t be pessimistic but I don’t think the chances are very good. The crux of the matter is, I refuse to become the secondary partner, it is moving backwards. If he has feelings and she is there for the two of them to explore together it leaves little opportunity for me to maintain my emotional relationship with him.

We are going to talk tomorrow, as I don’t have to work (much), and hopefully will have had more sleep so I don’t make any rash decisions or burst into tears.

I will try to keep you posted as the events unfold.

The Single Girl

Helpful, In a Not So Helpful Way

As I am detoxing and in the middle of a 14 day stretch of work I decided a nice Saturday night at home was the way to go. As luck would have it the SSM was at home as well, so we chatted on gmail and playing checkers on facebook for a while when all of a sudden Fireboy popped up to say hello on gmail. He and I then chatted there for a bit and then Fireboy asked me if I could call him as he always prefers the phone to a computer. I told the SSM our chat was on hold but the checkers would continue and I dialed Fireboy.

We had some small talk for a while, what he has been up to, what I have been up to. Holidays, romance, work. And then at some point we began talking about my relationship with the SSM and he started asking if I was happy, and if I was thinking about where this relationship could go, because long distance … well that won’t go anywhere, and so on and so forth. I listened as he nattered on for a bit and then we had this exchange


FB: Well I don’t know it seems to me like you guys are just really good friends.

TSG: And that is bad because?

FB: It’s not bad, I mean I guess you are both happy as you are both at home on a Saturday night playing checkers and chatting with one another.

TSG: yeah …FB, you once told me that you would like a relationship like the one my parents had. My parents like to travel together, play games and do puzzles together and have their on lives and interests as well. It would seem to me that the SSM and I have much of that.

FB: I should really stop talking now that my foot is firmly in my mouth.

TSG: That would probably be best.

He didn’t stop talking – cause that isn’t what he does – but continued on by telling me that he stayed to long in his last relationship and really if it doesn’t work and the match isn’t right shouldn’t I know now and save some heart ache later. Truly, he is only trying to help me.

That isn’t exactly what I would call help. You?
The upshot of the whole thing is that I called the SSM later that evening and told him what had just happened and we had a bit of a laugh about the “friends” comment and ended up having a really nice chat about things. Not too heavy but a good little check in. So maybe it was help in a not so helpful way.

TSG

New Year's Resolutions

2009 is about getting back into my old routines; going to the gym, eating right, working hard, playing hard and once again blogging. (rousing cheers for the return of TSG!)

So yesterday morning I finally managed to get up for the gym. I got up before 6am, packed my bags made a lunch and and headed off to the gym. When I got there and started getting ready I realized I had forgotten my my runners. Who forgets their runners!

Not a great start to getting back to the gym but not a bad little story to start be back into blogging.

xo
TSG

Bye ... for now

For a number of reasons I have decided not to continue blogging. So watch out in a day or two Keeping the Dream Alive will be gone.

Thanks friends and random readers, it has been fun recounting my adventures with you.

xo
The Single Girl

Oh Hi

This is going to sound hard to believe, but I kinda forgot I had a blog for the past few days. No seriously. Normally even if I don't write something for y'all I at least check the sitemeter to see who has stopped by, but this week, nope, nadda, didn't even cross my mind.

I either have to get better at blogging again or admit after a two year run that maybe the dream has come to an end.

I will let you know, soon.

The Single Girl

Coming Down

I arrived home from my two week vacation to Burning Man and the San Francisco Bay area on Friday and I have to say I am having trouble readjusting to life at home. The trip was amazing, burning man was a great experience and the after holiday with the SSM was wonderful and relaxing. Now I feel like someone coming down after a great high.

Maybe it is a terrible analogy, but have you ever heard an addict talk about how after a really high high, you have to survive the really low low before balancing out. Yeah, that is where I am on the low end after being up in the clouds for two weeks. Exhausted, low and going through holiday and SSM withdrawal.

I am hoping as I get back into the home and work routine it will get better, but day one back at work was pretty tough. Tomorrow will be a better day. And soon I will tell some holiday stories.

Hope you are all doing well and being good to each other.

xo
The Single Girl

Oh hello there.

Sorry I have been away for so long but I have been busy. I have been on two more dates with PBOD, work is crazy most most importantly I have been planning and prepping for my vacation. What am I doing you ask? I am going to Burning Man (if you don't know what I am talking about goggle it people).

There is a lot of prep that goes into going down to the burn including but not limited to, collecting all your camping gear, finding just the right clothing/costumes, prepping your bike for the harsh environment, and so on and so forth. This weekend I have made one trip to the thrift store, two trips to Home Depot, two trips to Fabricland, and one trip to Walmart all in the name of preparation.

I am both excited and scared about this trip, as I am not much of a camper ( three stars is roughing it for me), but Roomie is going to be my tour guide so that will be good.

I would love to tell you more but I have been constructing tutus and cleaning and waxing bike chains all evening and now I must go to bed. Hopefully I will have time for one more post before I leave, but if not ... I will see you all in September.

xoxo
The Single Girl

Duh!?!

Awesome and I were chatting on the weekend and he has decided to try online dating now that he is in a new city. He was asking me to help him come up with a good profile name. So we thought and we thought and we thought but we came up with nothing because he isn't really a nickname kind of guy.

It wasn't until 2 hours after the conversation that it hit me. Duh ... Mr. Awesome ...

The New Guy

Last week in the middle of the week the new guy (who has been dubbed BPOD by Fireboy, GB and Roomie but that is a story for another day) and I finally went out. It wasn’t your typical first date, but I am not your typical date kinda girl.

He picked me up at around 9pm in his work truck and we went back to his place so he could have a shower – as he had just come from work. This gave me a chance to snoop around his apartment for a bit and see what kind of guy I was potentially getting involved with. He has a beautiful old piano, a bunch of books about Taoism and Buddism, a MAC and a really clean condo. So far, so good.

We had planned to go for a walk around his neighbourhood for so once he was ready we headed out. We wandered side streets looking at old homes, big trees and landscaping and talked about your average getting to know you stuff. WE came across a park and went for a swing and talked about swings and playgrounds and games we played as children. By the time we wandered out of the park I was pretty sure he wasn’t going to kiss me. I couldn’t decide if he just wasn’t attracted to me or if the knowledge of another man just wasn’t his thing, but either way, I didn’t see a kiss in my future. Which was fine he was (is) still a fascinating man to talk to and spend time with.

We continued on down the road and came to a large park where he told me there was a pool. He told me that the pool was quite warm and that last weekend he had broken in and gone for a swim. “You mentioned earlier that you like to climb trees. How do you feel about climbing fences?” He asked looking at the top of the fence. “Pretty good, really.” I replied and we both hopped the fence**. “Wanna go for a swim? The water is really warm.” He asked. My outside voice said “Umm … is only like 10 degrees out and really windy. I am not sure that is a good idea.” My inside voice said “Ummm … get naked with you, I don’t think so. I am way to self conscious and nervous for that.” Luckily he agreed that it was a little to cold, instead we rolled up our jeans and stuck our feet in the warm pool. We chatted some more and looked at the stars and then he kissed me. And we kissed for a while with our feet dangling in the pool and the stars looking on from above.

We decided it was getting cold – and cold concrete isn’t the greatest surface for good kissing - and put our shoes on and headed out of the pool. We wandered around the fence to find the best place to go back over, as we had both ripped our jeans on the way in, and we found a two foot hole at the bottom of the fence and opted to climb through there, lest we rip our jeans any further. We went to his place got the keys to his truck and he drove me back to my house. We parked outside and started to say goodbye.

Truck, might not be the best description of what he was driving, it was a cargo van for delivering stuff, so it was big. We turned our knees inward to the space between the seats and kissed goodbye, for about 5 minutes. I remarked at some point that this vehicle was not ideal for a goodnight kiss. He agreed and soon after pointed out that he would like to stretch out and looked to the back of the truck. I laughed out loud said no way am I lying down in the back of a cargo van and pointed out to him that we are both adults and no longer need to do things like make out in a truck as we both have our own homes with couches and beds, and asked if he would like to come in for a bit.

He came in, met the dog, was re introduced to GB and then we went hung out and kissed a little more. At about 12:30 I told him I had to kick him out as I had a long day the next day and I walked him to the door. We kissed goodbye and he said “I will see you later” and I said, “Yeah, that would be great, when would you like to do that?” His response “I don’t know … I really don’t know.” And he stood there looking very puzzled “Alright, you think about that and call me when you have some idea.” I said with a laugh and closed the door.

Not a perfect end, but an interesting date, and even with that vague goodbye I think there will be another date.

The Single Girl

Bad Blogger, Very Bad Blogger

I really owe this blog a couple of good posts. I thought I was back in the grove after those to Awesome goodbye posts, but now I can't seem to find the time to write. So here are some of the bullet points of my life.

• The SSM has met a girl. Which is fine, we do have an open relationship and it has actually brought he and I closer as we have spent hours and hours talking about our relationship and having an open relationship and how he can talk to her about all of this.
• The SSM changed his relationship status from single to in an open relationship. I read it and had a small panic attack. Can't quite decide if the panic was excitement or fear or both. I opted just to remove my status entirely.
  
• I got really really plowed two weeks ago by accident. You know if you don't eat, drinking for hours on end while lying in a hammock, not the wisest move to make. Apparently I was kissing a guy at the party we were at. I couldn't pick him out in a line up if you paid me
• Last weekend I met a guy. So far his only nickname is Tall and Skinny - given to him by Awesome. We were at a party together and we ended up going for a walk and looking at the full moon and swinging on swings. He kissed me on the playground equipment. We are suppose to go on a date next week.
  

I am sure there is more, but I really have to get to work.

The Single Girl

Soon, Just Not Now

I have a bunch of stories to tell not the least of which is the SSM meeting my family and spending the weekend with us. Then there is the story about getting really really drunk – accidentally this weekend. And then there is the conversation I just finished having with the SSM where he told me he had a date on Saturday night.

But right now I need to get some sleep.

Something soon, I promise.

xo

TSG

Awesome Farewell Part 2

The morning after Awesome’s going away party I was lying in bed at about 8am trying to remember all the drinks I had consumed to best attack this hangover that was beginning to form when I got a text message from Awesome saying … I may have taken some liberties last night. Shocking, I thought, when I left last night you were making out on the dance floor. I texted back, then he texted, then I texted, and this went on until finally I just had to pick up the phone because my eyes couldn’t focus on my phone key pad.

He had been up since about 6:30 packing and now he was on his way to his parents place to drop stuff off. He didn’t really have much to say when I actually called, I think he just needed some distraction to help stay awake, and to keep him from freaking out too much about the packing, or the move. Once again we said goodbye and I decided another hour of sleep was in order before I could think about facing the day.

At 10am my head was still pounding by my need for water was greater than the need for sleep, and the dog’s need to pee trumped both my needs so I headed downstairs. I let the dog out and sipped on a pint of water. Within minutes Roomie was up and busting around the house. She managed to spill an entire jug of OJ and break 6 eggs, confirming that she was in about the same shape as I was.

I logged on to the computer and noticed that the ex-pat was online so I started grilling her about both her evening and her hang over. Both were fine but right now she was starving and wanted to talk about brunch not the evenings events. I was impressed that I could keep water down at that point but I figured I I would need to eat sometime and I like brunch so, why not. I was about to hop in the shower when I heard my cell phone beep from my bed. When I looked it was a message from Awesome saying my friend had accidently left all her cash at his place. He offered to give the money to his parents and they could give it to me, but I texted back and said I would be in the neighbourhood that afternoon, so I would come by his place and pick it up. Lord knows I didn’t need the awkward money exchange with his Mom at a later date.

After breakfast and some light window shopping I headed over to Awesome’s place to say, hi, pick up the cash and say goodbye for one FINAL time. I walked in and the place looked as I expected, almost everything was packed but the odds and ends we strewn all over the place making the place look like terribly messy. I offered to help, but was told there was no need, instead I should just have a beer. Why not, it could only help right? I sat for a bit drinking my beer and watching him flail about the apartment putting random things in boxes and Tupperware bins.

“Seriously, what can I do to help.” I finally said. “Um, I dunno, you don’t have to do anything.” “But I want to help, that is why I keep offering.” “Fine, If you really want to do something you could do up those dishes there” he said exasperated and had a swig of rev and then a slurp of Moccachino. And so it began, I washed the dishes and he continued to pack. Then I wiped the counters and he packed. Then we dusted the cupboard and emptied the fish tank and cleaned the bathroom and drank our drinks and talked about nothing for about three hours. We dropped of the last of his stuff at his folks and went back to his place to hang out and rest for a bit.

I noticed when we got back he seemed tense, so we talked about his stress and the flight and what was left to do. We laid down in his room for a bit and snuggled and chatted we might have made out for a while too. I knew I didn’t want to go, but at some point he was going to kick me out and do the last of his packing and, if he could say goodbye to the girl he has been casually seeing for a bit.

After about two hours of lounging in his room I finally said“You want me to go, so you can get everything done and freak out on your own don’t you?” as I laid my head on his chest. “Yeah, but I feel bad for asking you to leave because you have been helping all afternoon, but yeah, I really should get it done and then have a panic attack on my own.” “It’s fine I have to go to a party anyway. And you don’t have to drive me. I know there is more to do and the clock is ticking.” “Don’t be silly I would feel really bad if I didn’t drive you home. You helped me all afternoon. Come on let’s go.”

The drive home was pretty quiet and he tried to drop me off at the corner as he normally does but I wouldn’t allow it. It didn’t matter to me that he had to finish the last of his packing and cleaning he had to get out of the car and give me a hug and say goodbye. He looked at me like I was a bit crazy, but in he backed the car up, parked and came inside. Actually he ended up playing with the dog and chatting with Roomie and I for about 20 minutes. When it was finally time to go, he and roomie hugged and then she conveniently disappeared. I gave him and gave each other a peck goodbye and he was off. I didn’t sleep well that night, I was worried about him packing up and getting some sleep and flying to a faraway place, sort of like a big sister or mom would worry. In the morning he sent me a text from the airport telling me he was about to get on the plane.

Of all the men who have left me or I have left, I would have to say the saga of the Awesome goodbye, from the drinking to the packing to the text from the airport is how I hope everyone could have been, but up until then none ever have. Who would have imagined this little one night stand, two years later would fulfill my goodbye fantasies. Not me that’s for sure.

Goodbye Mr. Awesome, although I am sure you are not gone forever.

xo

The Single Girl

Freaking out … just a little bit

This weekend the SSM coming with me to my Nephew’s birthday. He will be meeting my sister in law, my aunt, my uncle, my grandmother (he has already met my brother and nephew) but most significant … he is going to meet the lady.

Wow, this will mean that the lady will have met all five of my boyfriends.

Eeek!

Man, I hope he is ready.

TSG

Awesome Farewell

On Friday I went out to Awesome’s farewell party. It was by all accounts an awesome affair.

We began at a martini bar trying some of the over 140 martinis available. There were about 12 or 14 of us, including Roomie, Awesome’s best friend and the newest member of my local circle of friends, a recent ex pat from the centre of the universe who likes to party – her nickname pending. She roomie and I were the only girls in this group of well wishers and that suited us just fine. I mean really, when do three women have the full attention of 8 – 10 boys around the age of 25. Not often enough I say. As the sun began to set we decided we wanted to go dancing, but first to a hotel bar … the very hotel Awesome and I once stayed in. But first we needed the bill.

I had arrived at about 6pm and it was now around 10pm, I had enjoyed two martinis and I was on my third or forth pint. Everyone else was in the same shape and most of us had also ordered food while we were there. I was a bit terrified to see this giant bill but thought, it is my last night to party with Awesome so if it costs me a bit of coin, so be it. The bill hit the table in your standard issue black padded envelop and I decided I would pick it up – as I really wanted to figure out if this was in fact my third or forth pint of the night. I opened it and to my surprise it read $0.00. Had the waitress made a mistake? Nope, one of the lovely you men at our table had very generously picked up the entire tab. Wow.

We moved on to the hotel bar where everyone enjoyed a fancy cocktail. I mean, why not our wallets were padded more than any of us had anticipated, so we could afford a $15.00 martini. Along with the martinis came a shooter of some unknown description. Can’t say I liked it but no worries, I was feeling no pain at this point anyway. The martini on the other hand was a fabulous. A raspberry vodka thing with a basil leaf in it. Mm mm good. At some point at the second bar I noticed the ex pat and Awesome doing some flirting. It probably started earlier, but I was enamored with a geeky cute programmer and couldn’t be bothered with anyone else’s flirtations.

As people started making noises about getting into the dance club I made my way over to ex pat and asked her if she was interested in Awesome. She very quickly said she wouldn’t, she knew who he is to me and wouldn’t want to come between he and I, and more importantly wouldn’t want him to come between her and I. “Really, do what you want. I have turned the man down like 100 times in the last 12 months. I don’t really have right to thwart his good time especially at his going away party.” She still didn’t seem entirely convinced but she went on flirting, as she should. We paid that bill after one round and headed to the club.

As soon as we were in the club I was told to order a round of shooters and a cocktail that Awesome would approve of. Alright seven liquid cocaines and seven rum and cokes please. Down went the shots and off we went with our drinks. I still can’t believe I was drinking rum and coke, I hate that stuff, but on with the story. Roomie, ex-pat and I started chatting with different folks and once again I assured her that a fling with Awesome was totally cool, and really it was his last night, she should go for it. About five minutes later ABF, Roomie and I looked across the bar to see ex-pat and Awesome making out. Like the mature folks we are we started hooting and hollering as though we were at a football game and once we were satisfied with ourselves we hit the dance floor.

Dancing was great and much smarter than pounding back any more shooters or cocktails I didn’t really enjoy. Although I vaguely remember drinking some of Roomie’s cider to quench my thirst later in the evening, ouch. At about 1:45 Roomie and I thought we had done all the damage we could possible do to our livers for one evening so we made our rounds and said our goodbyes. I hugged Awesome told him that I will miss him and then told him I loved him. He told me that he loved me too, I gave him a kiss and we headed out the door to find a cab. Drunk as we both were, I know we meant it. We do love each other and will miss all of our time together.

There is more to Awesome Farewell but it will have to wait as I am on holiday with the SSM right now so finding writing time is a bit challenging with all sex, eating, lounging and drinking we have to do.

Hope you all are having fun. Stay tuned for Awesome Farewell part two.

TSG

The End of an Era

Awesome is moving. He is going back to school and the acceptance was quick and now he is leaving at the end of the month. When he told me I was really happy for him, and I still am, but the more I think about it the more I realize what a big part of my daily life he is and I wonder how different my life is going to be without him around.

Today we had our last lunch together for a while. It is weird to think that I won’t have lunch with him every week and that he might not email every day twenty or thirty times. He is a strange force that Mr. Awesome, a total pig much of the time but inside there is a sweet shy man who I really like.

At the end of our lunch he walked me back to work just before we got to the doorway to my work he said he wait a second and he grabbed me and kissed me. And then walked into the office smiling like a Cheshire cat saying good afternoon to all my co-workers as though it was just another lunch.

Somehow, that interaction seems like just the right way for him and I to end our lunchtime ritual.

TSG

He’s not my Boyfriend, He’s … oh nevermind

Last week I was out of town at a conference and the SSM flew in to join me at my nice hotel for a few days. He would sleep in, go out for brunch with friends while I was hard at work, then show up for the social time and drinking. Someday I have to get me a gig like that!

Anyway, on the second night we were with a very large crowd for some much needed dinner after a long long happy hour. The table had some people I know well, some people I know some and others who barely know my name. Sitting at the far end of the table was a woman I kind of know through work and she mouthed to me is that your boy. I shook my head yes and didn’t think anything of it. A while later she yelled something across the table that ended with “TSG’s boyfriend over there.” I cringed a little but did my best to ignore the comment. The second time this same woman referred to the SSM as my boyfriend I kindly replied, “the dear man has a name of his own, sorry not to have introduced you this is SSM.” She laughed it of and said yeah but it is more fun to just call him your boyfriend.

After the third time and a knowing glance across the table at BFF I leaned over to the SSM and said, “I hope you are okay with being called my boyfriend, it is just so much easier then trying to explain this whole …” And I kind of trailed off from there. “Oh for sure, it is way easier” he responded in his ever so relaxed way. “Don’t worry about it, I’m not.” And we went about enjoying the rest of our dinner.

Had it been a different group of people – i.e. non work folks – I might have tried to explain it better. Instead, I just left BFF to field any questions that came up after we left. I am sure she gave an appropriate and modest response to all who asked. Either that or she just muttered something about a long distance fuck buddy and left it at that.

Either way, thanks for doing my dirty work BFF.

TSG

You know what sucks ...

Being sick while on the road.

There is nothing worse than not being able to enjoy yourself because you are tired and your throat hurts. It also sucks not having a fridge full of the food you want and the tea you like.

:(

I do, however LOVE the king size bed in the room and traveling. So I guess I shouldn't complain too much.

Oh and the SSM is flying out to visit for two nights tomorrow. Woo Hoo!

Writer's Block

I am experiencing it.

Sorry gang.

But hey this is post number 301. That is kind of exciting.

That's all I got.

TSG