Here I go again on my own

It's over.

I could go into the painful details, but right now they are too painful.

The single girl is Single again.

opps

Restarting a blog and then never posting is really lame and I apologize. I was on the road for much of this week and still have no news on the SSM front, so I kinda forgot about posting. Have no fear! I am home all week this week and will dedicate some time to post at least twice in the next seven days.

How's that for a deal?

TSG

Crossroads

I am sitting at work on a Saturday thinking about what to do next in my “relationship.” The internet is down here and I can’t get the work done I want to, so, why not write a blog to post later I say.

Last night was a rough night. The SSM and I were up until 3am chatting about the status of our relationship, but mostly about how he is thinking about his other relationship and that his feelings for what’s her name are getting more serious. There were a lot of things said, nothing heated or bad. He doesn’t seem to know how he feels about either of us and needs to sort that out, with us. I don’t think I want to stick around to find out how he feels.

I’ve been down this “feelings” road with the SSM it never turns out in my favour. He is a man looking to find himself and I know who I am and what I want these days. I took a big risk in doing this long distance poly thing. I had hoped that he would date and realize what I good thing we have. Turns out, there are other, more local people to have good things with. He hasn’t said he wants to end our relationship. He wants to work it out and figure out how he feels and potentially keep things at status quo. I want to run for the hills, or run up the white flag and admit defeat. So far I am not doing anything.

It is kind of ironic, I was thinking not three days ago about writing a post about how all of my relationships seem to end before the two year mark. I can’t seem to make that leap to longer commitment with someone. I had hoped this time would be a change, we will see. I shouldn’t be pessimistic but I don’t think the chances are very good. The crux of the matter is, I refuse to become the secondary partner, it is moving backwards. If he has feelings and she is there for the two of them to explore together it leaves little opportunity for me to maintain my emotional relationship with him.

We are going to talk tomorrow, as I don’t have to work (much), and hopefully will have had more sleep so I don’t make any rash decisions or burst into tears.

I will try to keep you posted as the events unfold.

The Single Girl

Helpful, In a Not So Helpful Way

As I am detoxing and in the middle of a 14 day stretch of work I decided a nice Saturday night at home was the way to go. As luck would have it the SSM was at home as well, so we chatted on gmail and playing checkers on facebook for a while when all of a sudden Fireboy popped up to say hello on gmail. He and I then chatted there for a bit and then Fireboy asked me if I could call him as he always prefers the phone to a computer. I told the SSM our chat was on hold but the checkers would continue and I dialed Fireboy.

We had some small talk for a while, what he has been up to, what I have been up to. Holidays, romance, work. And then at some point we began talking about my relationship with the SSM and he started asking if I was happy, and if I was thinking about where this relationship could go, because long distance … well that won’t go anywhere, and so on and so forth. I listened as he nattered on for a bit and then we had this exchange


FB: Well I don’t know it seems to me like you guys are just really good friends.

TSG: And that is bad because?

FB: It’s not bad, I mean I guess you are both happy as you are both at home on a Saturday night playing checkers and chatting with one another.

TSG: yeah …FB, you once told me that you would like a relationship like the one my parents had. My parents like to travel together, play games and do puzzles together and have their on lives and interests as well. It would seem to me that the SSM and I have much of that.

FB: I should really stop talking now that my foot is firmly in my mouth.

TSG: That would probably be best.

He didn’t stop talking – cause that isn’t what he does – but continued on by telling me that he stayed to long in his last relationship and really if it doesn’t work and the match isn’t right shouldn’t I know now and save some heart ache later. Truly, he is only trying to help me.

That isn’t exactly what I would call help. You?
The upshot of the whole thing is that I called the SSM later that evening and told him what had just happened and we had a bit of a laugh about the “friends” comment and ended up having a really nice chat about things. Not too heavy but a good little check in. So maybe it was help in a not so helpful way.

TSG

New Year's Resolutions

2009 is about getting back into my old routines; going to the gym, eating right, working hard, playing hard and once again blogging. (rousing cheers for the return of TSG!)

So yesterday morning I finally managed to get up for the gym. I got up before 6am, packed my bags made a lunch and and headed off to the gym. When I got there and started getting ready I realized I had forgotten my my runners. Who forgets their runners!

Not a great start to getting back to the gym but not a bad little story to start be back into blogging.

xo
TSG